the most important dream you will ever have

if you could you would draw outside of your lines

and instead of trying
get right onto knowing and being

that group of things you need just to see

that you've been waiting to find hiding behind your own eyes

or dug up in a logan square park crying for months at a time

without even knowing

I spend weeks here and there disconnecting

a journal knows maybe half of me

if I can hide from myself accidentally

imagine who I am to the rest of the people

whose relationships I've grown so good at ignoring without knowing

the time he spent in spain that we spent growing

the fred's mother leaving a wake of upset stomachs to match her own

while dylan jones relearns to walk under the weight of his home

we can get together once a month and know how much we need one another

haven't seen ian in an eon but I keep my right eye on his heart like a brother

along with a couple more who I shall not name

so that the last time I see peter he's on his face

and G whispers in my ear to go fuck myself

so now I think it's this place but what if it's just me

no matter how mean-hearted her whisper must be

it ricochets around inside of my head for more than weeks

until it comes back finally, tired and beat
to remind me I've hurt some people
that the hooks I use to bait friends can be too sharp sometimes

that being lonely and miserable never was charming

but you need to know that I am trying

that I'm tired of feeling insane
and if I knew the difference between acting like myself
and being me

?

I would use all the help I could get.